[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
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Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
being depressed is funny because tons of movies stop making sense. like why is that guy trying so hard to stay alive. i cannot suspend disbelief
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
It really ruins the vibe when you’re sharing a hilarious story from your childhood and people are like “omg that’s horrible” or “do you want my therapist’s phone number?”