Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I need a woman who can help me grow”

First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.

With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.

I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.

MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW

If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.

My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.

Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?

Me: …a daughter.

Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.

[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane

“playing devil’s advocate” should cause explosive diarrhea 1 out of every 5 times someone (your coworker) says it

My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.

For those that worship cheese..

Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?

Teenage me: definitely.

30s me: Wait, what

I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.

yeah no that’s fair

The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?

i saw a single tiktok in which a woman mispronounced gnocchi “yonkees” and unfortunately for everyone in my life i am going to say it that way forever now.

I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it

Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*

Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itself

Cons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.

I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.

[sets up grandfather’s first computer]

ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.

[phone rings one hour later]

ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.

CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.

I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare

Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.

GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned

HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no

i don’t really care how u met your partner. tell me about how you met your nemesis

Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.

Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.

Her: I agree but can we land first?

Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.