Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.

nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed

How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?

it’s a van. how do they not know this

Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.

me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia

my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time

i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before

*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*

girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s texas chainsaw massacre.

professor x: what’s your superpower

me: I make text look like faces

professor XD : what?

My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.

So, I took her to Subways.

Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.

making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop

Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae

husband: we need to get your ring insured in case there’s a fire or tornado

me: but what if the tornado wants to use my ring to propose to his tornado girlfriend

husband:

I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]

Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it

Dentist appointments are so weird. “Hi nice to meet you could you root around in my mouth for a bit?”

Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep

Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine

Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep

Internet: European dragon flu

Me: Oh nooooo

[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this

How do you call a meerkat?

C’meerkat.

I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.

pictures of spider-man

I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.

Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club

Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would

Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.

3yo: Let’s have a discussion.

Me: OK, about what?

3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.

me adding lol on a serious message

The plot thickens.

Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.