[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
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“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
Twitter is the new flypaper.
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
Dudes wash, shampoo, condition & rinse in under three minutes while women take a shour.
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
It’s Mental Health Day today.
– Sent from the app that literally causes anxiety.
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
Finally… My bills are washed, laundry is paid, clothes are baked and dinner is in the dryer… Adulting is tough, but I’ve got this!
Shower sex be like:
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and