[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
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ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
Happy Halloween !
Cartoon credit: Berger & Wyse
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.