Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can’t. About to go please some beans

me: ahh vacation

brain: time to relax

me: no work

brain: well it’s still there

me: stop

brain: just… waiting

me: please

brain: g r o w i n g

me: no

If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!

Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.

Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?

Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.

I still can’t believe Aldi sells these for 25 cents. I’ve got 8 of them now and don’t really even have a use for them, it was just too good of a deal to pass up.

[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.

It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.

I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.

thanksgiving should be called feaster

I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-

ＰＯＯＦ！[ponytail appears]

Peace was never an option

I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.

Her: I went line dancing last night..
Me: It was roadside sobriety check karen

Her: What’s with the bunny?

Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”

Her: Why?

Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.

Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL

Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*

[Our bedroom, morning]

Alarm clock: *beeps*

Wife: *presses snooze*

Alarm clock: *beeps*

Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM

“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane

I met a microbiologist today…

He was a lot bigger than I expected.

someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house

“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.

[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here

Him: What’s your cup size?

Me: Venti

Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink

police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor

Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂

My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.

Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.

The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra

Music – rock band

Jehovah’s Witness – knock band

Boats – dock band

Lip synched – mock band

Athletes – jock band

Safe cracker – lock band

Puppet – sock band

Clock maker – tock band

Chicken – b’gok band

Rooster – cock band