[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
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I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.