Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen

You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.

I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.

sad day today because:

1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.

Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat

*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*

Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now

if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.

As someone who lost his pet worm at a RFK Jr event last year this is the worst day of my life

my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva

RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?

And as it is written, hot girl summer fades to crow girl autumn. We are snatching fries out of midair, we are hoarding shiny objects in a hollowed out stump, we are standing ominously over a gravesite.

Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:

guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.

I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time

Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?

was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught

6yo: Newton discovered gravy

Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.

6yo: what’s that?

Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space

6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy

Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context

Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.

Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!

Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.

[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda

Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream

I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart

A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.

<— only has 13 problems left.

Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!

I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.

-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.

Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*

*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls

[At Police Station]

“You can make one phone call”

*Dials random #

“Is your fridge running?”

I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.

Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?