[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
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[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
Normalize saying “the end” when you want a conversation to be over
I’m not average. I’m mean.
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
One venti cheeseburger please.
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
unbelievably distressed by this ad
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”