Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.

“please don’t give me the ball, please don’t give me the ball”

-memories of playing high school sports

So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating

But I still bite the inside of my mouth

You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out

who will stop them

Thanks to modern recycling technology you can now throw away the same Pottery Barn catalog 2000 times.

Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people

[first day at the cia]

supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.

me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.

Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!

My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.

WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.

I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’

Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.

Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.

I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.

Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.

God: you’re a garter snake.

Garter Snake: I’m a snek?

God: no you’re a snake.

Garter Snake: I’m a snek!

God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.

Garter Snake:

God:

Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?

This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.

Him: I’m leaving you

Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?

Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…

Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁

I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.

It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”

Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.

6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken

😳

{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…

*I run to check on the donuts

*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”

her: aww you’re a cat dad!!

me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings

her: oh-

me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds

her: i… um…

me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies

her: yay!!!

People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.

Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.

Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.

I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.

[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.

“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]

deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)