Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hacker: I have all your passwords

Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.

[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box

{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.

HER: He’s so kind.

ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.

how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose

I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.

<enter password>

me

<password is too short>

meonstilts

<password must have at least one special character>

meandbatmanonstilts

It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.

Dance like you’re not the father

My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is

I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.

I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.

So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.

If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.

get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind

Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies

Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home

Age 20: Gonna make something of my life

Age 30: Not really going as planned

Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE

I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.

Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.

(Husband asks to see my phone)

Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.

Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me

I did not eat the cake…

At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.

My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.

I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.

Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.

I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?

Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”

Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”

Me: You owe me $33.50

Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*

I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.