Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual

Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?

[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?

Me: I thought you’d never ask

Him: Oh, really? *winks*

Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord

Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.

Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.

What a chick magnet..

came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!

A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.

what happened to my ankles tonight mosquitologically can never happen again

I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late

Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff

I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard

[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.

This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.

garbage man: hello little fella

raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please

[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.

Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!

Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!

Me:..for the kids…yeah

Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”

It’s called TALL, you little shit.

the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs

I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.

Me: Santa, why are women so scary?

Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.

that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)

ME: Can I buy you a drink?

HER: I have a boyfriend.

ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.

Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.

dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed

What do we want?

ROCK HARD ABS!

When do we want them?

THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!

“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”

-a potato

I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck

As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.

If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.