[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
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Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
incredible book dedication
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then