@hansabumsadaisy
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
@onion_an
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
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@hansabumsadaisy
@SteveKoehler22
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
@BlindChow
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
@SteveKerr
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
@HatfieldAnne
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
@HenpeckedHal
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
@Coolisiana
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
@AmericanGent69
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
@SlenderSherbet
“are you following me?”
“no. just scratching my ear”
“DUDE”
“I WASN’T”
@LittleMissZesty
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!