[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
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My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
what?
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*