@onion_an

[1st day as criminal sketch artist]

Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….

Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper

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@hansabumsadaisy

What do whales do on a date?

Net flicks and krill.

#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

@SteveKoehler22

Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.

The steaks have never been higher.

@BlindChow

friend: what are your plans for The Purge?

[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]

me: do a murder

@SteveKerr

One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…

@HatfieldAnne

We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.

@HenpeckedHal

We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.

@Coolisiana

(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*

@AmericanGent69

When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.

This is why I have trust issues.

@SlenderSherbet

“are you following me?”

“no. just scratching my ear”

“DUDE”

“I WASN’T”

@LittleMissZesty

So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!