Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”

-Revolving Doors

Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill

Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.

*wins lottery*

Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves

Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—

Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!

I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.

Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.

I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.

A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave

You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.

In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.

i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered

HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.

I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.

Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.

MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm

must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.

Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law

It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.

Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.

Now I just hate yours.

Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”

Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.

A rapper that raps for hours on end just to make the show longer.

Fiibuster Rhymes.

Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.

Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.

surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now

olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here

I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey

I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey

WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind

ME: Duh

[later at party]

ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?

I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.

I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.

-me as a witness, describing the murderer

favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.