Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

getting old is fun

You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.

her: your costume is highly inappropriate

me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha

her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy

At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.

My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.

Son: Your makeup looks weird

Me: I’m not wearing any

Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me

Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me

Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*

[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears*

*quarter falls out*

Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.

People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.

The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.

Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.

[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.

I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.

Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]

You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.

Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.

So, just me? Okay.

Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.

Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.

and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”

Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders

If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.

My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table

Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.

i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery

I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.

Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.

I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore

you gotta separate the art from the artist. like, for example, sometimes the artist is really nice but their art sucks