Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence

Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all

I don’t regret becoming a stand-up comedian for one minute. I regret that I carried on after that first minute.

I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.

I only buy cookware with handles that somehow get hotter than the pan itself. This is the way.

Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.

one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom

“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”

-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway

Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?

Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.

if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day

Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.

Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:

Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?

15: good

AT MY FUNERAL:

My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.

Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?

Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown

😭😭

Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.

I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life

If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.

Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now

Woman: Okay but still, what the hell

Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror

My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”

I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.

Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.

The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.

Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.

I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.

Trampolines…

Are great…

For…

Peeing your pants…

A little at a time…

TEETH IS INNOCENT

Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.