[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
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Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga