[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
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*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
I see your IQ test came back negative
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂