Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?

I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.

Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*

Him: how was your day, babe?

ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man

Criminal Tip:

Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.

As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.

Free gun.

*walks in on family gathering*

I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD

I’d like to speak to America’s manager.

Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!

Me: That’s a pretty good trade…

My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave

since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void

Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you

[invention of fish net stockings]

fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!

fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?

fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn

My one-year-old niece has started saying “bye-bye” when she wants people to leave. Honestly, I’ve never been so influenced by a toddler before

HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet

Warden: Have you completed your analysis?

Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL

Warden: I’m not paying you

I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”

*walks up with my full head of mongooses*

Medusa: Let’s rock.

Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.

Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie

[Audition for the musical Cats]

Director: Act like a cat for me

Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you

Director: Perfect

I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.

WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?

ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet

A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>

I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle

Ugh. Still no word from Disney about my RATATOUILLE sequel, where Remy the rat finds himself controlled by an even smaller creature. I was hoping to sell FLEA MIGNON by the end of May.

if someone would only design a type of headwear with some sort of built-in device to block the sun they’d probably make a fortune

remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate

Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.

[outside tomb]

John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?

Disciples:

John:

Disciples:

John:

Disciples:

John: he’s right behind me isn’t he

[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house

[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT