Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.

The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”

My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.

Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?

The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.

[job interview]

“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”

*takes long drag from cigarette*

Not that I’m aware of.

Me – I’m not in the mood to work today

My bank account – you better GET in the mood

Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.

No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott

I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography

Waiting at the barber shop to get my 9yo a haircut and he points to the balding guy in front of us and says “well he shouldn’t take too long.”

My ex’s were all super hot

I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling

ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake

ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here

8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂

No. He’s not coming out to play

There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.

Dentists will turn to their nurses and say
‘A24 – fatal traumatic root eruption’
and then turn to you like ‘all healthy 👍’

[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengers

Wife: what no

Me: I’m growing weaker

Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes

Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.

Canada: Let’s keep it that way.

My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again

I asked my kid what they actually do during a half day at school. He said “I don’t know, but we eat lunch early and there is less time for Nico to pee on the floor”

scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year

The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018

Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.

No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.

Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?

TSA agent: … what… is it.

Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!

TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.

a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain

Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.

You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.

I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.

I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh