Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch

Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”

bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?

Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.

him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?

her: no thanks

me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho

Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….

Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?

If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.

If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.

channeling her this year

Me: Don’t make this weird

Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker

Golf would be better with landmines.

If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.

A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.

i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me

wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair

If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!

4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.

[bedtime]

me: babe we forgot to lock the door

him: not it

murderer under the bed: not it

me: fine I’ve got it

I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.

I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.

Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase

Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product

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My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”

Moments like these are when I ask for money.

me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking

friend: did it work?

me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken

ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t

at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom

There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.

My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’

He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.

Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then