[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
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Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
Somedays I just love AI so much
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?