Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor

[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT

No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies

spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores

Boss: did you turn your office into a ball pit?

Me [rising from the bottom of the ball pit] this could’ve been an email

I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.

Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.

[wife is gone]

me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings

10: did mom say you could?

me: it’s my house too!

10: but did she tell you that you could do that?

me: I can do what I want

10: I’m texting mom

Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.

Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!

Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.

Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere

Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes

I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.

“Damn girl, you look hot”

Really?

“Like a sexy little italian car”

DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?

If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.

In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate

sailors wish they could swear like me

I wish all tests were things you peed on

[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out

Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.

You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look

*eulogy*

Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo

Me: dad always hated my banjo

M: whew

Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now

I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.

Life Lessons From Cats:

• take more naps

• rules were meant to be broken

• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared

• always demand respect

• if you have an itch, scratch it

• find joy in the simple things

• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine

Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.

Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*

Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.

Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*

Kim Paperhands: No.

Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?

Emojis are fun for when you want to express emotions using disembodied heads.

Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.

If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men

2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive