Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:

Saw an Italian nativity scene:

• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys

Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣

I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.

[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?

ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that

Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”

Her:

date: are u a tender lover?

me: more of a dino nugget guy

Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!

-You mean the mosh PIT, right?

Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*

Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.

I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.

10: will be a teacher

5: a doctor

3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.

People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”

Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?

“You mean MAY, not CAN”

Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?

Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with

They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.

“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”

Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.

PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]

UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes

The manual for my motorized wheelchair says “Do not operate while tired. ” I haven’t moved in six years.

If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.

“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.

ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?

ME: Not murdering.

ATTORNEY: But where were you?

ME: {sweating} The not murder store.

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i mend relationships

professor boyfriend: oh wow

They fired me for telling the patients that the pandemic was caused by the cinema release of “Cats! The Musical,” but none of them could prove me wrong, could they?

Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.

Always the barmaid, never the bar.

Asked my mom what her birthday plans were and she told me she’s disappointed In me bc I don’t have a wife?? 💔
Correlation???

Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.