*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
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Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
due to financial reasons I will now be performing photosynthesis
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
happy valentine’s day to me
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
And now…a ‘joke’.
“WAITER! I’d like to complain about my lion pie”
“What seems to be the problem, madam?”
“It’s ROAR in the middle”
“Apologies, madam. I shall bring you the menu so you can choose an alternative MANE course”
*coughs*
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.