Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?

It’s two tired.

I believe I can flyyy.

I believe I can touch the skyyy.

I believe I was mistaaaken.

I believe I’m faaalling.

I believe I’m gonna diiiie.

ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?

WIFE: Cooler

ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?

Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.

Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.

Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.

*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME

{At the last supper}

Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”

Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”

Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!

Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?

Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-

[train explodes]

waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?

me: no no I’ll find it thanks

Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.

Me: Don’t push me.

Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?

Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.

The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.

85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon

6YO: Can I eat a cookie?

Me: Finish your dinner first

6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space

[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”

Me: And for my third wish…

Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?

COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.

Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?

I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles

Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives

More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.

dead inside

My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.

My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!

Me: Impressive feet!

The proper way to handle accidentally walking in on your coworker in the bathroom is to wait till they’re out and then let them see you using the eye wash station

[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag

not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex

Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.

Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow

my best friend is a doula and while attending a birth last night, her husband used their shared spotify account at home…which meant that “cotton eyed joe” began blasting right as the mom began to push 💀💀💀