[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
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when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.