[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
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“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.