[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
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humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
[help desk at the mall]
Her: can I help you?
Me: I want this desk to help me
Her: it doesn’t work that way
Me: it doesn’t look busy
Her: it’s a desk, sir
Me: a help desk
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
trying to win an argument online is sociopathic. i would concede anything to get a stranger to leave me alone.
Nose
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
Banderslack Clamberdorch
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!