[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
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I am such a fun person and so easy to get along with as long as the layout I have secretly imagined for the entire day goes exactly as I planned it without variation or interruption
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
meanwhile over on facebook
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
We should be able to take our arms off when we go to sleep, we have the technology
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes