Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’

Men: Remember that time…

Women: Yes

[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit

opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times

Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man

I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.

Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.

My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.

I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.

My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.

*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger

*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.

[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?

[What I think he saw]

Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.

[What he actually saw]

Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.

I’ve seen:

•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo Dragons

But nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.

A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.

i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around

Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.

10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow

Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!

10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!

Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?

The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude

Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns

A local supermarket.

A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”

The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.

😂

CW: can i ask a stupid question

ME: sure u seem qualified

Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder

I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.

Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.

[first date]

HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.

[First day as a Waiter]

Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.

Me: Probably what killed it.

My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving