Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.

Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*

Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”

How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?

*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter

*calls to check on the sitter

This is bullshit!

I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.

Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”

If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.

Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.

I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.

Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea

funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™

Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!

Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?

Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ

Give me a minute, I can make this about me.

I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”

Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories

Me: Maybe you should start counting your days

Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.

-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse

Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.

I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.

When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.

You didn’t get fired, your job “fumbled you”

Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?

The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.

Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.

Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’

Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’

I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls

Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it

Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.

Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?

You’re welcome.

Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are