Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.

Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.

The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!

WHY?

This cashier is a moron

-Me at self checkout

*getting kidnapped*

Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits

I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.

I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog

ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.

[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!

ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication

[watching TV]

GF: Tickle my back please

ME: Is that nice?

GF: Little bit higher

ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?

Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.

The good ones are already taken.

@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”

“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”

“Thanks, Dad.”

“No problem, Alan.”

My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing

my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.

Wins the Internet today. Night, all…

Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector

To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.

Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.

how much for the angry fruit?

I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday

Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.

I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.

When you don’t understand how floors work

did you know that before the crowbar was invented,

crows used to drink at home….

if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.

I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.

An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.

then why did i get this email

You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.

Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing