Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore

also CEOs:

I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks

This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee

“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.

[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER!

[1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.

Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.

*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.

I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.

Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?

My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends

I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.

I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.

Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”

No! Abort! Abort!!

you watch a movie then have to go to work the next day doesn’t seem right

Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.

I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.

I bought it in 2007.

Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter

Things to know before you date me:

1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come

I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.

my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”

[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.

*4yo son, crying*

I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?

*sigh*

Parenting is hard.

Me: How’s it going?

Coworker: Can’t complain.

Me: Try harder.

Coworker: Life is meaningless.

Me: Atta boy.

Together, I can beat schizophrenia.

[emerging from a ten year coma]

my dad: look who finally got up

I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers

You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs

What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?