[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
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A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.