Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”

News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.

Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*

I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too

*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorry

Canadian boxing

The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.

*brings donuts to work*

Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.

Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.

To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news

I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.

They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.

*crashes vehicle*

“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”

*dies smiling*

Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.

Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁

Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape

I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.

You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.

Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album

Lmbo

I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”

i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly

*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”

I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.

I couldn’t live off of that celery.

weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel

A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”

Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.

Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.

I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”

Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”

When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇

Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.

I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.

me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE

her: are you serious this is mini golf

me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ