(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
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The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
*cough*
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.