Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.

Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich

Me: You too!

Subway Guy:

Me:

Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now

“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”

Exactly

“What?”

It’s inflation

“I hate you”

Life in your 40’s:

Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!

Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.

I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.

I should be back in about eight days.

The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….

….idiot….

my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed

Me: You look amazing with glasses.

Her: OMG thanks

Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.

ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.

god!! did anyone stop by your house and drop off your award for having that opinion earlier than most people?

Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore

I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.

mugger: how much you got

me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar

Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.

Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.

Got the results of my history exam.

Past.

Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely af

Calling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck

A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store

Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.

doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news

me: oh god

doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared

[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad

my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”

My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.

Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.

chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”

Staring sadly at the empty ice cream bowl that’s too small for licking..

I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..

I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it