Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.

I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?

english majors be like furthermore

My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.

I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.

Years ago, my mate had his car broken into. Luckily they didn’t steal it and also didn’t take any of his CD’s. He has appalling taste in music and we told everyone they left him some CD’s out of pity..

[First day as a waiter]

Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?

Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot

Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back

That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us

Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.

The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.

I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep

Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.

Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.

Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.

We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.

“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?

I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”

God’s Wife: I just need some space!

God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)

Him:You married?

Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?

H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-

M:SO I’M UGLY?

H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry

I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.

I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014

I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.

[first day of school]

LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.

LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.

BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.

I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.

DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze

new tattoo]

them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque

[after 50 people had asked]

them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel

You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.

Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”

[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*

I have two things hanging up in my office:

1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did

“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off

[What I think he saw]

Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.

[What he actually saw]

Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.