Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?

I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.

so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?

If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.

internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket

“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”

– me, peeping at you in the shower

mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside

Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black

doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news

wife: [crying]

me: that’s a spicy meatball

my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend

My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.

Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”

A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.

I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.

When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?

My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.

We are 47 years old.

Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏

Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.

“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.

… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”

Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.

At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!

I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”

I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle

Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.

Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.

People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.

I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..