*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
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Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
Someone filmed bats upside down and it looks like a goth nightclub
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England