*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
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*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
I never needed anything more in my life
They did not think through this water fountain
Every photo I’m tagged in
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
I think we should let the Just Stop Oil girl out of prison to attend her brother’s wedding, but then stage a protest and block the roads.
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
Just crossed the border into Germany and the border police asked “Where did you come from? Where did you go?”
AND YOU HAVE NO IDEA OF MY SELF-RESTRAINT 🤣
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
