Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Threatening to send my cat to Ohio if she doesn’t stop shredding my paper towels.

when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.

When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.

Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.

Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.

It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.

The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof

Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice

Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance

Kristoff: She is literally dying

Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG

“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”

You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?

Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.

Inventor of the toaster:

How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?

Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.

Wrote a song and it goes a little something like this… Who put maple syrup on the caaaaat?

Some early signs you’re growing up:

1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere

We all have our pet causes.

*Beats guy over the head with celery.*

Stalking is hard.

Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist

[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]

Kids: Dad, what IS this place?

Me: I have absolutely no idea

Job interview

HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?

I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.

When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”

Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.

Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.

48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.

When I was a kid I had to walk to Netflix.

Me: you know what’s sexy?

Mirror: no

Sorry I said your toddler should be in commercials for birth control

I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.