Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”

Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out

Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.

At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.

Last minute gift idea:

Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted

People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?

Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?

Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.

Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.

My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.

*me brushing my daughter’s hair

my watch: are you working out?

Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”

Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”

Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”

Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.

I triple waxed for this?

To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”

On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.

I thinking about becoming a cop. Well, not really a cop but a quirky outsider like on TV who shows up at crime scenes and points out all the clues that experienced detectives missed

I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.

thought i was a minimalist, but it turns out i’m just broke

“Damnit!”

-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.

7YO: Daddy you’re so talented

Me: Awww Thank Y..

7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing

Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades

Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this

After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves

People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it

Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥

I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch

It took her 3 hours

She was so excited to be done

Then I served dinner.

Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.

My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.

Me: For Tina Turner?

My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.

Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.

I’m totally failing parenting

[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]

Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji

Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*

Her: OMG

Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short