Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed

Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid

Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.

me: how bad is it

dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise

[later]

wife: what did the doctor say

me: linda….i’m dying

Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.

As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.

If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?

Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.

Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.

“I don’t have a library card, can I get on a computer?”
“You don’t have a card?”
“Nope.”
“But the printing. And ebooks.”
“No thanks.”
“And databases and DVDs.”
“Nah.”
“And every year on your birthday library workers come to your house and sing.”
“Really?”
“One way to find out.”

To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.

Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”

So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.

dracula: you gotta stop

me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad

It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.

Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*

My uncle works for a company that makes bicycle wheels.

He’s the Spokesman.

I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.

*tosses another water balloon from my roof

I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.

DATE: So what do you do?

ME: I race cars.

HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?

ME: No, the cars are much faster.

Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.

“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose

Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.

Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair

“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies

Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.

I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.

Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”

All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????

A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.

Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.

Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?

Me: Bed Bath & Beyond

Wife: You used a coupon right?

Me: Coupon?

*wife faints*