[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
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I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?