Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”

* me, in public on more than one occasion.

me: never meet your heroes

also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please

Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.

Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.

Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.

*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever

Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet

Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.

Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.

My coworker Fred got caught with an underaged girl and nobody laughed when I called him “The Fredator”

My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.

The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.

I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.

Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?

M: No, they’re never about people I know.

*writes another tweet about him*

if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away

*driving away from a heist*

guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping

being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons

Me: you need to do your homework

9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself

[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”

[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5

The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.

A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.

Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.

Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now

Being 6 is rough man!

Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.

Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?

A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.

ME: my wife and i are having a baby!

FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?

ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…

My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.

Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?

Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.

“Of course I’ve tried that!”

– me lying to my doctor about not making a simple lifestyle change he suggested because I’d rather just get a pill to fix it