1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
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in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
“The future is yours!”
Me: [Looking around] No thank you.
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process