Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.

Just rescued a fly from my wine and put him on a napkin to dry and he dried off and flew straight back into the glass

Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?

-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks

Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys

When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.

overheard someone asking my wife how we met, and she replied “he was a fancy wooden horse to my Troy” and on one hand: that’s beautiful, but on the other hand: 😕

My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?

STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.

Them: just trust your gut

Me: the one full of chocolate and coffee?

Tree:

Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house

Tree: oh no

Tree Doctor: you have humans

seriously you guys

Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.

Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.

Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”

Looks like I picked the wrong century to start selling encyclopedias door to door.

I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.

We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”

This is still funny.

At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration

Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?

The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.

God: you’re a pack animal.

Wolf: what does that mean?

God: it means you live with other wolves.

Wolf: like all the time?

God: yep!

Wolf: d-do I have to?

God:

Wolf:

God:

Wolf: [slides $20 across table].

God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.

Wolf: yay : )

At my funeral sit me up so I can see who’s talking to my man

Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh

We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.

You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.

Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?

Me: Yes

*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”

a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair

You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.