How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
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COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.