*1st day of shooting —Naked and Afraid*
Me: I’m not worried. This will be easy.
Producer: We need to take your shoes—
Me: I quit.
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Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
[Reviewing my 9-year-old’s Amazon wishlist for her birthday]
Me: I don’t understand what half this stuff is.
9: You don’t have to understand it. You just have to buy it.
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
Hello Twits.
Looks like I picked the wrong century to start selling encyclopedias door to door.
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
Lunatics are gonna loon.
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco