Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just squealed when I saw my daughter brought home 2 lost water bottles from school. This is my life now.

Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”

I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.

Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl

Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’

Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.

[text]

Me: Where are you?

Boy: home

Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.

Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.

[to the tune of little drummer boy]

baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo

[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]

Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!

Mugger: OMG sing the rest

Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.

Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.

I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.

Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”

Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen

Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.

-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.

Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]

Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended

Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY

This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.

cop: do you know why your neighbors called us

me: *into megaphone* NO

I’m single and proud of it!

* Flips hair
* Trips over cat

Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.

Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING

I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven

can someone please help me, i’m still at the fyre festival

Me: I’m hot.

Husband: *turns on AC*

Me: I’m cold.

H: *turns off AC*

Me: I’m hot.

H: *jumps out of car*

A male goth is called a broth.

My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.

My Quarantine Routine:

8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in

I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.