I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
*1st day on prozac*
Me: These are awesome! What am I supposed to take tomorrow?
Doctor: That was a 30 day supply.
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Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
me: alcohol u tomorrow
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.