Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
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They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
this country is so goddamn polarized
My beach vacation Google searches
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!