*1st day on prozac*

Me: These are awesome! What am I supposed to take tomorrow?

Doctor: That was a 30 day supply.

Me: Whoops.

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I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”


Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE


her: i’m leaving u

me: bc of my drinking puns

her: yes

me: alcohol u tomorrow


BARISTA: what can I get you

ME: medium roast please

B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato

M: *under breath* damn


“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.

How is that even science fiction?

They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”


SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?

ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?


the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do


[First date after divorce]

Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.


If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.