Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.

I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.

Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts

It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.

Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here

Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.

9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.

Me: Make me look good.

9: FINE. I’ll write something else.

The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath

The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.

Roombas should bark

My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.

Cop lights are so pretty at night

Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here

‘god is not a potato’ is one of those phrases that is going to live rent free in my head forever. and i’m not mad about it

Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”

The proper way to handle accidentally walking in on your coworker in the bathroom is to wait till they’re out and then let them see you using the eye wash station

There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.

Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.

“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”

~My son apparently

noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking

it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too

I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.

Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?

Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.

Rose: Nice.

Grill: You could have looked around a bit.

If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.

me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact

I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo

To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.

FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY

Lol #dogsoftwitter

BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.

He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.