Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.

The eclipse was like April fools for birds

Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides

I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.

It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.

Kids… I meant my kids.

“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”

(silence)

(silence)

*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”

Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.

At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?

Me, walking into my mom’s house

16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*

One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?

Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want

All 4 teen boys: *grin*

I love being an adult and sitting absolutely still and suddenly I’ve hurt my neck somehow

How toddlers and cats are alike:
– they’re cutest when they’re asleep
– they will absolutely destroy your sofa
– they both eat out of the cat’s bowl

[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby

Sometimes, I have to remind myself that just because my 13yo is much taller than me doesn’t mean he’s in charge.

my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast

the clocks on the oven and the microwave this morning:

Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.

“Can I borrow your charger?”

Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*

“I meant for my iPhone.”

Me: Oh, hell no.

When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question

I know this now

When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇

I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me

Are people born with photographic memories or do they take time to develop ??

I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.

I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.

Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!

Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!

Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!

Boss:…

*our eyes lock and we kiss*

DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.

*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.

Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.

Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look