[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
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Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
I don’t make the rules sorry
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.