Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob bee

Mason bee: just make house
Me: build a way b

Honey bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortment

Bumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*

Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U

Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance

Wanna go out with me?

Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.

I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”

[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK

Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.

robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference

boss: you’re six hours late

I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.

If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse

That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!

Wipe it on Daddy’s

Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is

CDC: please don’t

My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well

Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.

Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.

Twister 2:

Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.

They work together.

We can’t beat them.

We team up instead

The twisters destroy ISIS.

He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy

A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.

Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes

Wife: What about me and the kids?

Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT

Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.

“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”

Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.

I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.

My level of hotness..

I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.

“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”

{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.

you guys HAVE to try the golden retriever in springfield. it is soooo good

I treat people the way I want to be treated by not leaving the house.

The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.

When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.