Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.

I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me

My body is a temple

for potatoes.

50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.

Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”

[traffic stop]

COP: where ya headed?

ME: on my way home

COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*

ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you

[Surrounded by a million deer]

Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.

Homer: D’oh.

Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.

Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does

Me: Well that makes two of us

I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.

Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.

[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat first

GUY: But why, pacifically?

ME: Ok I’ve made my choice

*opens fridge door, looking for friends *

can’t see: birdbox

can’t talk: a quiet place

can’t touch: this

Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.

HER: how is remote learning going

ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels

Stick with me and you’ll go places.

None of them good, but still.

“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything

Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.

Somebody had to say it.

My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.

Eight minutes into dinner date and I’m out of knock knock jokes.

I think my concept of time is way off since the pandemic started. Every day I see something like “happy 57th anniversary to the premiere of Two and a Half Men”.

[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?

My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.

corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn

[looking down from heaven]

darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on

Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!

[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.

Wrapping gifts on the floor after 50: 1% holiday spirit, 99% figuring out how to stand up without calling for help.