Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.

apparently this year was written by stephen king

Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink

Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.

Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast

Me: eggs

Doctor:

Me: ok reese’s eggs

The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.

I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.

orange cat behavior

A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.

*died in your arms tonight*

*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*

*buried in the woods the day after that*

I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.

7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today

6yo: Ok!

Me: *holy shit yessss*

7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD

Me: Right. Of course.

My 6yo lost his first tooth today and wants to know when the dentist is coming.

me: i don’t like talking about myself

random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’

me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old

Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.

Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.

They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.

“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store

“I’m doing good, how are you?”

-Me lying out of my lying liar hole

Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.

Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?

Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.

GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]

That stupid look on my face, is my face

i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there

4: I reeeallly want Oreos!

Me: but you already had Oreos

4: no I didn’t!

Me: yeah you did

4: no I didn’t!

Me: I saw you eat them

4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!

If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine. Also, I’ll tell my mom

Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me

“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”

Brain: Perfect!

I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.

The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.