Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[zombie movie set]

Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”

*actors look around confused as heck*

My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.

my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.

i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)

*Licking my plate clean

Girlfriend)You still have to wash that

Me)This house is a prison

me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it

I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up

“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”

Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.

Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,

“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”

yall want some gasoline milk

I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down

don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags

[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking

Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.

if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)

[being haunted]

Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*

Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that

Me:

Ghost:

Me: you know what being haunted is fine

It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.

My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.

I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.

If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.

Love it! 👍😂

i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries

They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.

Genie: what are your three wishes

Me: make me a waffle

[suddenly I am a waffle]

Me: no, like a waffle to eat

[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]

Me: no! for me to eat

[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]

ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.

WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.

ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.

Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?

Rick Astley: *tearing up*

Me: oh no

Wall-E is probably the most human love story of all: little gremlin man that collects cool shit meets shiny lady that wants him to have more plants.

My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF

Just put on my brand new shirt.

Now to take a big sip of coffee and check to see why Dave Grohl is trending on Twitter…