[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
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When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.