[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
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why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*