Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.

Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner

Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends

Look, when I invited you out for a drink I meant a milkshake with two straws, so don’t make it weird bro, I’m not gay

Twitter when Franz Ferdinand got shot would have been the best day ever

Me: did I pass?

Driving instructor: *swimming away* no

If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.

Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.

I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.

I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg

founder of costco: [drunk as hell] it’s gonna have hot dogs and optometrists

[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.

[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men

I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.

Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.

My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag

My left hand: imma pet this doggie

I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.

Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?

Me: yes

I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.

Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.

Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then

I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.

Encore…

The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.

at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked

Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.

My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.

Me: *Posing nude for the first time*

Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh

I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.

The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time

When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.