[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
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The problem with spices is sometimes they are not what you want, what you really really want…
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
How is it still this week?
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
Me: Siri set an alarm for 5am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.