Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor

Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.

I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.

How are you?

“Yeah, not bad” <– normal person

“Yeah, pretty good actually” <– show off

Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind

[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]

Me: Can we talk about salary?

Boss: Not if you want to keep your job

1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”

GOD: *invents mouse* I like it

MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha

GOD: *invents cat*

Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.

*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*

Meme: I have a boyfriend.

I met my wife at a singles night

I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids

What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.

Friend: your parents must have had you young

Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger

Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)

HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES

“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.

I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.

Person: What are you doing?

Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls

P: You win weirdest problem of the day

Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.

My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them

termites walking up to the ark: two please

noah: any dietary restrictions?

termite: yeah we only eat woo—

noah:

termite: *noticing sheep* —ool. wool

noah:

termites:

noah: *getting down real close* stay the hell out of my sweaters

i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.

5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?

Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?

“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome

They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.

That took me a moment.

Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.

Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.

my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.

OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]