Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.

Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…

Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]

…EXACTLY.

[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*

*me brushing my daughter’s hair

my watch: are you working out?

I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.

Props to just stopping in the middle of the grocery aisle. Personally never tried it, but it seems big.

ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity

ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot

Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.

Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.

I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.

He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.

Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.

A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.

In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume

No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.

My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.

I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.

i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign

🤣dope

[GOING BACK IN TIME]

Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!

Everybody: The what now?

My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”

Her: pull my hair!

Edward Scissorhands: oops

Her: why oops?

I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.

Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.

“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats

[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature

[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender

You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.

When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.

*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*

ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.

My grandma sailed on the Titanic.

She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”