Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.

cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town

me: but if you were, what bus would you take

Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.

Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.

a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..

I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.

Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.

*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.

date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this

Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”

*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no

Husband: “What’s for dinner?”
Me: “Nothing”
Husband: “I had that last night!”
Me: “I know,I made enough for two nights.”

I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction

I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.

I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.

I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike

me other days of the year: amazon is evil

me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??

[Trapped on a Island]

*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”

*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”

One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.

My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.

What they say: “Parenting is hard.”

What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”

I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.

The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.

You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”

Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.

Me: Isn’t it fun?

At the park.

4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?

Me:

Me:

Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!

[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”

It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.