Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!

me: oh hell yes

starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead

me: what are they made of

starbucks: plastic

me:

starbucks:

me:

starbucks: wait shit

i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”

*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.

10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?

Me:

Me:

Me: That’s exactly what it means.

“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”

-I say to the person I don’t remember.

PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)

Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row

*Hears sound in the middle of the night*

Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.

Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.

I ate a bag of Doritos and immediately followed it with half a giant bag of gummy bears and surprisingly enough I do not feel good now

I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet

Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.

When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.

One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators

fair

Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.

Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild

I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.

[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*

A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.

I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.

The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.

I’ve reached the age where I randomly yell things like “manifest!” because the word I forgot 15 hours ago has finally come to me.

That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.

Jesus: this is my body

disciples: *eat bread*

Jesus: this is my blood

disciples: *drink wine*

Jesus: I also made brownies

Judas: but I have diabetes

Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame

God: I am the father of humanity.

Human: *changes climate*

God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!

o: I want a tail

GENIE: ok

α: longer

GENIE: sure

q: LONGER

GENIE: dude

@: perfect

The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline

Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel

I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.

If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.