[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
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I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
Always the bridesmaid, never the father of the bride.
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat