[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
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Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
Dog: I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO OUTSIDE NOW TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO SO BAD
Me: omg okay
[45 minutes into our walk]
Me: OMG GO TO THE BATHROOM
Dog: none of these spots meet my strict criteria
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
Sorry I brought an air horn to your colonoscopy.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
⚰
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.