Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.

H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.

M-

H-

M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.

Acronyms got me like WTF?

My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.

*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*

HR: We need to talk about your attire.

Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.

I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.

My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am

So many chores, so many kids to do them for me

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you

Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.

It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”

A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”

A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”

Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.

I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.

Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”

God: you’re a penguin.

Penguin: actually I’m a spy.

God: uh no you aren’t.

Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?

God: that’s just what you look like.

Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.

God:

Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.

a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe

After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.

There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other

Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.

While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.

The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.

One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.

May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you

“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”

Him: I like it when a girl growls at me

My stomach: *growls*

Him: not like that

Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.

People clown on Sun Tzu for giving really basic and obvious advice but keep in mind that emperors and nobles at the time were drinking mercury to become immortal. I think he knew his audience.

I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s

“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs

You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken

Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”

Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling

Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling

Me: Did you use my highlighter?

2-year-old:

Me:

2:

Me:

2: No.

Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.