1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
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I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
people who sit in a long line and aren’t ready when it’s their turn, should be sent to the back of the line to think about what they’ve done.
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.