Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.

“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”

-captain of the Titanic

Seems legit.

Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.

There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”

You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family

dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance

Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem

Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆

FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.

Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!

ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.

him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?

me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose

him: that’s not what I asked

me: that is the information I have

This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood

[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”

Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.

MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.

ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.

[meanwhile in ufo]

ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?

DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.

WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!

ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!

Obituaries should have clickbait titles

Autocarrot sucks!

In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.

He was a koi.

She was a squirrel.

Can I make it any less obvious?

Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you

13yo: Unless you really want some hand!

baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –

baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!

My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.

I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior

me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?

Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?

Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.

Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.